It is a small orange square on my blog dashboard.
It has, what looks like, a white pencil in the middle.
I think it's official name is the 'compose' button.
But compose seems too tricky right now.
Compose is too committed, too serious and too scary.
I have nothing worth 'composing' about.
But I can tap out a few thoughts....
The summer we have all been waiting for is yet to materialise.
My kids seem to recall, in some far off dream, a time when excursions outside did not involve copious layers of clothing. The flu I managed to avoid all winter has hit me like a ton of bricks.
My 4 year old is testing my limits to the very edge of sanity and back. My 1 year old has worked out how to climb anything (& everything!)
Sometimes I think to myself, I can't do this any more, I want to get off this train. I think I need to quit this job. This job is waaaaaay under staffed, this job is waaaaaaay under paid.
Then I realise, you idiot! Take a step back, look what you have, how blessed, how awesome, what a privilege.
My kids must think I am mental sometimes! One minute squeezing them so hard they yelp, next minute berating them for every little thing. God, please give me patience & grace, I sure do need it.
I am relieved because my nanny (who helps me out twice a week) arrived this morning and took over. She walked in and immediately I felt less stressed. I think she saw the state of me and decided to take the kids out for the whole day. I am home - alone. My ears are ringing with the silence that is all around. It's so quiet and I am relaxing with a coffee and my laptop and all I can think about are my little darlings whose happiness is so directly tied up with mine.
There is so much to be said for raising kids in a 'community', you just can't do it alone. Single Mums, oh my goodness, I have so much respect for you. You are awesome and need to be told how awesome you are everyday.
I have many Mumma friends and they all approach parenting in a different ways, all equally inspiring to me.
I have friends who are home schooling, friends who are starting businesses while raising kids and being pregnant and moving house (respect T!), friends who work, friends who don't. All equally awesome Mums. All struggling in some way with mother guilt, identity crisis's, exhaustion, being a wife and trying to fit it all into 24 hours!
I guess what I am trying to say, and it has been said a thousand times before, is - it's hard. It's really, really, super dooper HARD.
I know from experience that talking it out helps or in this case blogging it out!
I didn't know where this post was going to go when I started writing it. I just felt like I needed to start somewhere and to be real.
So that's it for now. I am sure normal broadcasting will resume shortly!
It all started with a temperamental computer refusing to upload photos......
That was back in January and it's now.....April!
So much has happened in the gap I don't even know where to start.
Holidays, birthdays, house moves, and the longest UK winter I have ever known.
Here's a well overdue update!